The Thai Massage

I would like to start by saying that this is a perfectly G-rated recount of a perfectly G-rated experience (sorry boys). Although at times my narrative may sound like it is headed down a slightly salacious path, this was not a happy ending massage.

That being said, after school today I decided to get one of these famous Thai massages I keep hearing about. There is a legitimate massage parlor in my apartment building and the price is unbelievable. Since I neglected to say I wanted an hour massage, I received the two hour traditional Thai massage for $8. That's right--$8.

My masseuse, a petite Thai woman, directed me over to a bench with some spigots and washed my feet. Afterwards, she gave me a pair of slippers and some baggy pajamas. She then led me down a row of curtained areas. She opened the curtains to reveal a small space with a twin mattress on the floor and a pillow. There was also a small table but that was it. She told me to change my clothes.

This whole thing seemed a little illicit to me. It would have been different if I was in a room with solid walls but instead I was in an area that was only separated by curtains on both sides. In addition, there was a man getting a massage five feet from me behind a measly curtain, so if he was getting a happy ending massage, I would definitely hear all about it. I felt a little strange disrobing in such conditions. And then, the "baggy" pajama top wasn't so baggy. The shirt was definitely Thai-sized (a term that applies to most things in this country). When the woman came back, I asked her for a larger shirt. I think she laughed when she saw how ill-fitting the shirt was.

Once I was all outfitted for my two hours of massage, I laid down. The mattress was on top of a padded mat directly on the floor, which is different from the tables you lay down on in the States. Even so, I was still expecting this to be similar to the massages I received state side; maybe a little different technique but more or less the same. Boy, was I wrong. To get a good idea of what a Thai massage is like, think of a medium sized child taking slow and deliberate steps all over your body. Or imagine a butcher tenderizing a (large) piece of beef. Or of the contortionists you see at the circus. Or yoga. Or of a masochistic person who asks people to torture him (the last one is a slight exaggeration, but not by much). The massage I experienced was a combination of all these activities. As I lay there, being pulverized by this waif of a woman, I surmised that tomorrow I will resemble a water color painting with fresh bruises all over my body. A symphony of blue, brown, and purple.

Not that all of these shenanigans were unbearable. The strange thing about this is that in addition to being physical painful at times, it also felt incredibly good. The even stranger thing is that she put me in positions I have never dreamed of (and I have a pretty vivid imagination).
Now, the proximity of this strong but little woman was a bit disconcerting. I know massages are a fairly intimate activity, but this went beyond intimate. Normally, when someone gets as close to me as she did, I am in a relationship with that person that at least involves some kissing (if you catch my drift). She did not just use her hands to massage me either; she used her forearms, elbows, knees, thighs, and feet. At times, my foot would be positioned between her legs. That is an awkward place to be; a toe wiggle can totally be misconstrued. Another time she was behind me pressing down with her forearms on my shoulders, and pressing forward with her knees into my back. The next position felt really good but it was bizarre--I was laying on my back and she parted my legs from each other. She sat inbetween my feet and bent one of my legs at the knee so that it pointed out. Holding on to that foot, she put both of her feet on my inner thigh, held my other leg at the knee with her other hand, leaned back and pushed on my thigh with her feet to stretch my leg. At another point, she was standing on my butt and did something that resembled a jig (she definitely wasn't lacking a proper foothold in that position). Another time she had straddled my backside while she worked on my back and shoulders. I felt like I should at least be meeting her parents or something.

The event ended with me on my back, my head nestled on a pillow in her lap. She gave me a gentle facial massage, applying small amounts of pressure to my temples and forehead. She ran her hands all over my face. Then she put her hands in my hair and gave my scalp a massage, alternating between relaxing and invigorating (I would have paid $8 just for that part). Based on the previous exertions, I thought she might pull my hair, but that didn't happen. I sat up and she worked on my neck and back a little bit more before sending me on my way.

Afterwards, I felt like a rag doll that had been thrown around a little bit. I didn't really want to get up and get dressed. I think they should dress you after something like that or just let you fall asleep on the mattress for a little while. Next time I go, I think I will opt for the hour foot massage. I don't think I will feel as spent afterwards.